Updated: Oct 25, 2020
Lately, I’ve felt burnt out on life.
On scripture reading.
I’ve been reading the bible since I was a child.
Sometimes I feel like I know everything in it.
There have been seasons of my life I couldn’t get enough.
Thirsting and panting for the word of God.
A book. A whisper. Quiet time.
It satisfied my soul so deeply.
I’ve been so far from God and so close to God.
I’ve been utterly lost.
I’ve been completely dependent.
I’ve been face to floor in surrender.
And in worship.
I know God.
I have a deep, intimate relationship with my creator.
I know that he is always chasing me down even when I don’t have time for him.
I’ve found myself saying that more and more lately...
How I’m so grateful for a God who speaks to me in my dreams and through people even when I haven’t been disciplined in my own personal bible time. He chases me down.
But how many times can I say that before I start feeling a little guilty for having to be chased?
Guilty for my lack of focus on him.
After all, I know I’m living inside his purpose for my life.
Edge. Choices. Family.
(Prioritized in different orders on different days.)
So, I focus all of my attention on those things knowing it’s God’s will.
But have I put more focus on the purpose instead of the giver of my purpose?
Have I slowly started judging other people’s walks with the Lord?
Have I slowly started comparing one person’s relationship with God vs another one?
Have I started checking boxes for people to decide if they are worthy?
Have I become….a pharisee?!
A pharisee knows scripture well and is surrounded by “good” rule following, religious folks but lacks compassion and love and the HOLY SPIRIT that is supposed to be driving us.
When you’re led by the holy spirit, you’re free to live fearlessly.
Moving in the direction of your passions and desires because you’re so deeply rooted in the word and love of God that his presence directs our steps and life unfolds according to his plan.
Even when we’re lost in the darkness, we’re still on a divine path that he has ordained and prepared our escape and our future.
I never thought I could get so focused on other people living up to Jesus’ standards that I forgot….I don’t live up to Jesus’ standards.
I ran into an acquaintance the other day.
This person had been a topic of gossip I had recently heard.
But when I saw them, they were so evidently filled with the holy spirit with no thoughts of anything but LOVING God and talking about God.
They were on fire for God.
This person probably didn’t know they had been the topic of gossip and wouldn’t care either way because he had Jesus on his mind.
He had kingdom treasures on his mind.
For a moment, I was envious.
I remember being so connected to God and walking in such contentment.
I learned about fasting years ago and it left such a lasting impression on me that I've done it multiple times throughout the year, every year, for years.
I fast every January and 2020 was no exception.
But this year my fast was weak.
I didn’t stretch myself.
I wasn’t that hungry for the power of the holy spirit.
It’s like I felt like I’d done it before.
I’ve been through tougher seasons and fasted very sacrificially in the past.
So, to me, it didn’t matter if I did it again.
I felt like I was just proving to myself that I COULD go 40 days without coffee.
I know I can do it. (It sucks, but I can do it.)
So my fast took a backseat in January.
I used to have a morning routine of bible time.
But ever since Edge took off, I’ve lost my routine.
I used to spend more time in my prayer closet than was probably normal.
And the other day, Tristen said: "How come you haven’t been using your prayer closet lately?"
Great question, T.
And my actual answer: "I feel like I just haven’t needed it as much as I used to."
As if I could ever carry the weight of “life” on my own, without Jesus, even during good seasons.
I still go to church regularly and read morning devotionals.
But, there’s just something about reading your bible with an open schedule and no ending time in sight.
Free, open time to focus fully on the Lord. Listen. Meditate. Read. Write. Pray. Worship. Uninterrupted.
Lately, I’ve felt the Lord speaking to me in spurts because I’ve been “too busy” (ie: undisciplined) to sit still and have quiet time in his presence. But as I break away from “too busy” to encounter the Lord, it all came full circle.
Even in good times, I still need Jesus just as much as I ever did in the dark seasons.